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Monthly Archives: May 2010

I’ve cleared up some karmic debt I had built up over the years. From the distant past to the recent. I know it’s hard to understand if it’s not your karma and if the recent past involving that karma has hurt you.

I was an asshole. In my youth I really didn’t care about ANYONE. I did things I could never really take back. But, I could apologize for. And now that I have my current life wants to fall apart I want to atone. It’s difficult to understand why I felt the need to apologize. I woke up one day and that was weighing on me. Like God found it in the closet and made me try it on.

I faced it and now I feel free. But the negative that follows me has turned the little bit of good that I had in my life against me. I’ve said recently there is no redemption without consequence. I’m clean and I know that. I know that God sees that I’ve cleaned some of the dirt off my soul. Now I will just have to deal with the consequences knowing, this time I walk in the light.

Sometimes you need to LISTEN to what you did, from the mouth of the person you wronged. You’ll be amazed at how horrible you were. If you can even stand to make that effort.

That First Bitter Sip

I’ve been searching for a second chance
Though I couldn’t be bothered to even spare a second glance
To the one’s I hurt, and why they hurt. Just being selfish trying to quench this thirst.
For god, for heaven, for piece of mind. There’s no redemption until you feel your crimes.
It’s easy saying sorry, it’s just a way to feel better
A way to keep on going and never have to read the letters
Stained with tears from the pain that you caused
Dipped in the innocence and love that they lost
You blame the world for all your sins; the truth is it all came from within
Sorry is an easy word on which villains build their thrones
Forgiveness; now that’s another thing. You can’t get it on your own.

I’ve wanted to have something insightful or sublime to post here. Honestly my life right now is not conducive to anything so high minded. Life is really fucking complicated and screwed up right now. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know how I should feel. I don’t know if I have a right to an opinion either way. I guess for now I’ll wallow.

I spent the last days since Sunday morning in the hospital. I’d lost pretty much all strength in my left leg and taken a few falls. At the ER I had a few MRIs and an active lesion was found in the right side of my brain. As you may remember from grade school, left brain controls the right of the body, right brain controls the left.

I got out feeling better though the steroids and meds are giving me some wild up and down mood swings which, hopefully, go away soon. The doctors and staff at the hospital were terrific. They helped with all the assistance I needed, scheduled me for free at the MS center and are still working on getting me medication.

I lost my insurance two years ago when I lost the ability to stay on my job. The heat of managing a kitchen was too much for me. So I’ve been without medicine or doctors for 2+years. Miraculously the MRIs showed only ONE new lesion in the brain. Which was active, and only signs of the original lesions otherwise. The bad news was/is that all those years without meds allowed the spread of the disease into the spinal cord. So I have inactive lesions in my cervical spine (neck). These lesions aren’t active but do lead to various pains, motor function problems, and start the road to disability.

I have hope I’ll get some type of assistance or get into a clinical trail. Universal Health Care would’ve been better but, I guess the American people were convinced that they’d rather pay Social Security Disability, Welfare, Medicaid, etc, than contribute to everyone’s well being, including there own. At least I have hope now.

I’ll end this with a story I hope no one EVER has to live through.

I was watching my two year old son. I heard him fussing in the room next to me for a toy he’d gotten stuck somewhere. I walked in got his toy and started walking out of his room when my legs just stopped working. I got my arms up and landed on my side pretty violently on the tile floors of the kitchen.

My two year old tried the pick me up, he pulled on my arms, my shirt, until he realized he couldn’t do it. Giving up, he grabbed my face, gave me a big kiss, and lied down on the floor with me until mommy came to the rescue. It was a loving moment but, as I lay there I thought what if I hadn’t been able to use my arms to protect my head and my little boy was laying next to his dead or dying father.

That’s not a memory I’d ever want to leave him with.

Shea turned two today. I’m looking back at the last two years and I wish I could have provided more. He’s a happy spoiled boy but, I’m not happy about what I can do and give him. I want to give him more than just stuff. I want to run around, take him to the park, play with him.

This Multiple Sclerosis shit has started to take a heavy toll. I can barely walk straight. And after less than an hour on my feet my body is on the verge of collapse. I’m covered in bruises from all the tumbles I take. I fell today getting up to get a drink. My dad says I suddenly didn’t have a left leg, I went down so quick. I’m going to the ER as soon as someone wakes up. I didn’t say anything but I was hurting and I still am, I have to try and take care of this.

I have faith in what I hold close to my heart. But, this is starting to take a toll and be a burden for everyone. I’m starting to lose more than I’m willing to give up on.

I can;t believe how quickly time has gone by. My little boy ,Shea, turns 2 on Saturday. It seems like only yesterday I was a proud, light headed daddy in a hospital.

Spent the day with the little man, Shea and my folks. Watched Fresh Beats, Dora, The Sword in the Stone, The Mets, and Alvin and the Chipmunks. Pretty wholesome day all around. wifey got stuck helping her family prep for a party and should be on her way shortly.

I haven’t really been writing as much as I’d like. It’s a combo of not having the time when Shea is awake and not having good ideas when he’s asleep. I’ve taken notes of ideas I get while he’s up. I’m just so tired when he goes down that I can’t create. This weekend should bring a glut of new material.

Examiner.com is having technical difficulties. I’m afraid to try and post a new article and have it disappear into cyberspace.I’ve got my ideas ready, an outline done, and research done but, for the time being I have to sit on my hands.

It’s really uncomfortable. I have strong hands you know. Well the good thing is I can talk and post to myself until then. That will alleviate some of the pain.

Either this os I can start playing with random cake pans like my son. Hmmm, that sounds like a good idea, see ya later.

This can mean what you want, to whom you want. I just find it necessary to my peace of mind to make it visible to the world. If it’s never read at least I’ll know that I made it plain for all to see.

Redemption by Harry Mora
There was never anything for me to see
Only words I thought were fantasy
But, over the years I’ve come to realize
All words have a reality

As I write and draw from life’s intricacy
I’ve come to feel what I could never see
I cursed the divine for struggle through this life
And wallowed in my misery
But, I was assisted through all that strife
Somehow turned pain to creativity

My dreams of death, unfulfilled
I cut for blood and death
My excoriating hands were stilled
and I continue to draw breath

I know in me was not the strength
These thoughts still bring me pain
Somehow my hands found restraint
Words and tears, not blood became the rain

The pain I’ve caused
The innocence lost
Both in me and around
Seem an insult to the life I’ve found

I turned, a stain on my soul
Became what I hated and grew so cold
Let chemicals and pain be my fuel
Used others’ emotions as a tool

Abused spirits as mine had been done
Viewed every person as a battle to be won
Uncaring, unfeeling I lived my days
Diving through lives as the villain, I played

Forgive and forget the person you knew
Try to accept that THIS person is true
With open heart lead me to unreachable heights
With love restore my sight

if you liked this you can read more on My Writers’ Cafe page

I woke up with this feeling that everything is going to be perfect. Not ok, not good, PERFECT! Yay

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