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Once again it’s a horrible time to be awake. I’m not sure why I’m still awake. I’m terribly bored and all alone. I should be sleeping, having dreams of how everything will be better.  Instead I’m wide awake and just thinking. How can I make everything better?

Used to be that relationships were my problem. Now that that’s been resolved, it seems all the things that I never had to worry about before, all that I held onto while my relationships died ugly deaths, has gone to hell. I didn’t expect an easy journey through life. And I’m certainly not getting one right now.

There’s just so much more to worry about now that I have my own family. I love them so much but, I can’t seem to be able to do anything for them. This fucking sickness has taken everything I used to be able to make a living with. I still have my mind and my ideas. I still have my hands to write these ideas but, it seems the only value I had was to be a thinking laborer.I was the Sgt. out in the field leading the rest of the grunts. Now that I can’t be in the fight it seems like everything else I can do is worthless.

I can’t be on my feet, and I can barely walk straight. But, I can walk the road that was laid before me. I can carry on. I just wish I could provide more than determination for my family.

I hate these hours of the night, they know too much about me.

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