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Life as a dad with MS isn’t easy, life as a dad with MS can be hard but, I WILL carry my boy into the end zone.

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Every hour of every day, someone else is diagnosed with MS. MS defined my 31st birthday. No parties,  my present was a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis after a week in the hospital. It may have hit me harder than normal. Within 6 months my mood swings and heat sensitivity had cost me my career. In the next 2 years I’d lose equilibrium, endurance, and see my feelings of worthlessness, and my flawed attempts to make myself feel worth something, take more of my health and my family away from me. I don’t ever want another human being to suffer all I have or worst. I don’t ever want my son to give up, like I first did.That’s why I registered for Walk MS 2012 and that’s why I’m asking you to support my fund raising efforts with a tax-deductible donation.

The National Multiple Sclerosis Society is dedicated to ending the devastating effects of MS but they can’t do it without our help. It’s faster and easier than ever to support this cause that’s so important to me. Simply click on the link at the bottom of this message. If you prefer, you can send your contribution to the address listed below.

Any amount, great or small, helps to make a difference in the lives of people with MS. I appreciate your support and look forward to letting you know how I do.

P.S. If you would like more information about the National Multiple Sclerosis Society, how proceeds from Walk MS are used, or the other ways you can get involved in the fight against MS, please visit nationalmssociety.org.

Click here to visit my personal page.
If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address:
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Click here to view the team page
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It’s been quite a long time since I’d posted a new blog. Breaking all my promise of keeping everyone involved. Two weeks ago I started walking without my cane and not feeling as weak as I had. It was really an overnight change. Seems, that I finally went into remission after a year long relapse.

Still taking Copaxone, haven’t had the eye exam required before I start on Gelinya. Fuck i procrastinate.

My son, Shea, turned THREE on May 22nd. We threw him a Thomas Party. I even BAKED the Thomas cake! God, it felt good to be able to do something I hadn’t done in over a year. Doing it for my son felt even better. i even picked him up for the first time in over a year, without fear of falling. THAT, felt even better. You start to appreciate the little things in life when you have Multiple Sclerosis.

The sad reality is I can’t even think of MS right now, and this is supposed to be an Ms blog. I’ve been sitting home, reminiscing, crying about my son’s mother. She even texted me once, “what does Best Western” mean to you?”. When I texted her back what it meant to me, her reply was that she couldn’t remember anything good, just the bad that had happened.

I’ll fill you in, we had decided to go to Warped Tour ’06, at that point we weren’t engaged yet. A girl I had a sexual encounter with and worked with, texted something that upset her. We ended up fighting at Warped Tour in Pittsburgh. But there was a ton of special memories that happened that day. And for me, before the argument and on the way home, it was when I decided I wanted to marry her. This happened again on our flight back from Florida in ’07. A woman I hadn’t seen since ’05 texted me on the flight home.She didn’t believe me, I know, but, she didn’t leave me. She was/is an incredibly strong woman.

I was a complete jerk after my ex, Rachel, had broken up with me.I had left my ex-wife for her and after ten months it was over. She left me via IM on my first day of work at a new job. So after her I became a womanizing jerk.My exploits during that time were legend, and my son’s mother, having been a friend since before the break up, knew EVERYTHING.

I don’t know exactly what happened to convince her to pack up our son and leave me. It was right after a hospital stay for an exacerbation, and my unemployment had run out. I had so much on my mind at the time, I didn’t realize anything was wrong. I was trying to keep us in our apartment. She had been saying before the break up, that we should go back home and not spend the last of my savings. she had threatened me with leaving if i didn’t go to the hospital during my exacerbation. Then she left me on the day I got home. I guess she really had time to think about how horrible I was while she was at her parents on those weekends she had started to go away.

She says she hates my personality, that I’m too quick to make friends and that I flirt with everyone without realizing. She says she loves me but, can’t let herself go back to that place she was in before. I say, I realize what an asshole I was, I know the horrible things I did and let happen, I also know how important she was to me, and how I’m willing to crawl on my hands and knees for the chance to show her.

I’ve been listening to the most depressing songs I could find today. But, i realize the song she asked me to download for her and make a CD of, “Jar Of Hearts”, is about us. She may not realize it, I always read into song lyrics way too much but, it is us.


How do you prove you are willing to do everything you can for someone, and that you’ve changed when the outside forces you can’t control make you seem like you haven’t.

My son’s mother had suddenly changed her tone on texts and we were having dinner and watching a movie. All very friendly. Friendlier than we had been in a long time. Suddenly a noise. she runs to see what it is and comes back with my cell phone, tosses it in my lap and says “you better answer her she seems mad.” Goodbye followed shortly after. My awkward attempt at a goodbye was “sooo, um have you met anyone?” “No I haven’t met anyone, not really” was her reply as she hugged and kissed our son farewell. WHAT AN IDIOT I AM!!!

I can see the thought formulating in her mind. ‘He’s only after me because he’s afraid I’ve met someone and he wants me to answer him because he doesn’t want to move forward without a final chance’. I can see this because four months ago I DID DO that and she egged it on “go be with someone else” But, when it happened she became so mad, our peaceful separation and midnight rendezvous became few and far between and more angry. I had betrayed her…I guess I was supposed to have stayed happy with just sex.

Today, I thought we had taken a step towards being friends. Spending time together was good until an unwarranted, unwanted text message ruined the moment. Though looking back on it, it wasn’t particularly a perfect moment. I guess nothing ever really was.

I missed my Copaxone injection today. All I wanted to do was sleep once our night together ended and it seemed like my son was on his way as well. So we slept. He’s still peacefully asleep while his daddy stays up, since two a.m., morning the emotional lose of his mother.

Let’s touch on some basics:

BE WELL: When you are healthy, even when you are fighting a chronic illness embrace it. Grab those moments with both hands.

LIVE WELL: Live up to your abilities and beyond if you can. You never know when they’ll no longer be there.

NO REGRETS: Regret will kill you as sure as disease. If you have a doubt about the morality of what you are doing. If you’d be ashamed if your child DID what you are doing or about to do. Don’t.

BE WELL! LIVE WELL!! NO REGRETS!!

Day 289- Left Hip
Today was a bitter sweet day. I had to cancel taking part in today’s, this year’s Walk MS. It hurt to have to miss this event to raise awareness, I’d been “training” for the walk by using my own two legs and cane to get around everywhere for the last 5 months. I said NAY to the scooter at the supermarkets and WalMart, it got tough at times but, I muscled through thinking of the Walk MS event. So, not being able to participate today was a let down.

On to the sweet side. Today was my niece’s daughter’s 1st birthday. Fun time was had by all. They had a Build-A-Bear station set up. Actual Build-A-Bear, not a knock off. They had magicians, they had cotton candy spinners, a Strawberry Shortcake character running around, it was a wild first birthday. Seeing all the fun my little guy had at the party was awesome. So it was definitely a sweet ending.

Be well, stay well, no regrets.

If you can keep your eyes open for longer then 10 minutes or so at a time and your not being asked if you’re OK every time they are open. I have Multiple Sclerosis, of course I’m OK. It’s only a chronic, incurable, debilitating, auto-immune disease of the Central Nervous System. Everything about knowing that your own body is trying to put a stop to you, is just fucking OK. But, I digress, my day didn’t start off this way.

I woke up 2 hours after I fell asleep and then when I had just started to fall asleep again, my little boy tapped me on the head and said “Daddy??” So that was how my Saturday morning began. Tired as hell, the worse migraine EVER, and 10 50mg Prednisone pills for breakfast. And let’s not even talk about the skyrocketing blood sugar levels of over 450 that come with mass dosing of steroids. But what’s the risk of sugar shock and death when compared to keeping some of your CNS control? And on that end it seems to be working as I have regained strength and control of my left leg exponentially.

Afternoon went well, my friend and the kids came over to spend some time with my little guy, who loved every second of their visit. Unfortunately I couldn’t really keep my eyes open for a lot of it. I’m glad my parents where there to keep them company because, I was a shitty host. 2 hours sleep and the meds did not a great host make. Thankfully, my friends are good friends and stuck around to keep me and the little guy company. They even called my pharmacist and doctors to ask about my elevated blood sugar. Needless to say I stayed home despite the advice and desires of all involved.

I had a good day, despite the set backs, my son had a great day, as always. The Rangers made the playoffs, the Mets won tonight, finally. And my parents stopped trying to get me to go to the hospital. All is well in the world. Now if this fucking headache would just lighten up a little.

Be well, stay well, no regrets.

Today started out INSANE, Had to drop off the hospital prescription at the pharmacy, called the hospital, my neurologist, my insurance, my 8th grade teacher, and the priest who baptized me, trying to get approval. It seems 1,000mg of prednisone over 2 days and 500mg the next 4 is an excessive amount…normally. Long story short at the end of the day I shelled out $40 bucks from my pocket for the ability to walk. Seems like a fair deal, no?

Other than the clean up from yesterdays hospital extravaganza, the injection went well. I picked up Shea today and really at the end of the day when you get that big hug and kiss from your child before he lays down to sleep and you get to see their peaceful little faces…THAT’S REALLY ALL THAT MATTERS.

Be well, stay well, no regrets.

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