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Tag Archives: redemption

It’s been quite a long time since I’d posted a new blog. Breaking all my promise of keeping everyone involved. Two weeks ago I started walking without my cane and not feeling as weak as I had. It was really an overnight change. Seems, that I finally went into remission after a year long relapse.

Still taking Copaxone, haven’t had the eye exam required before I start on Gelinya. Fuck i procrastinate.

My son, Shea, turned THREE on May 22nd. We threw him a Thomas Party. I even BAKED the Thomas cake! God, it felt good to be able to do something I hadn’t done in over a year. Doing it for my son felt even better. i even picked him up for the first time in over a year, without fear of falling. THAT, felt even better. You start to appreciate the little things in life when you have Multiple Sclerosis.

The sad reality is I can’t even think of MS right now, and this is supposed to be an Ms blog. I’ve been sitting home, reminiscing, crying about my son’s mother. She even texted me once, “what does Best Western” mean to you?”. When I texted her back what it meant to me, her reply was that she couldn’t remember anything good, just the bad that had happened.

I’ll fill you in, we had decided to go to Warped Tour ’06, at that point we weren’t engaged yet. A girl I had a sexual encounter with and worked with, texted something that upset her. We ended up fighting at Warped Tour in Pittsburgh. But there was a ton of special memories that happened that day. And for me, before the argument and on the way home, it was when I decided I wanted to marry her. This happened again on our flight back from Florida in ’07. A woman I hadn’t seen since ’05 texted me on the flight home.She didn’t believe me, I know, but, she didn’t leave me. She was/is an incredibly strong woman.

I was a complete jerk after my ex, Rachel, had broken up with me.I had left my ex-wife for her and after ten months it was over. She left me via IM on my first day of work at a new job. So after her I became a womanizing jerk.My exploits during that time were legend, and my son’s mother, having been a friend since before the break up, knew EVERYTHING.

I don’t know exactly what happened to convince her to pack up our son and leave me. It was right after a hospital stay for an exacerbation, and my unemployment had run out. I had so much on my mind at the time, I didn’t realize anything was wrong. I was trying to keep us in our apartment. She had been saying before the break up, that we should go back home and not spend the last of my savings. she had threatened me with leaving if i didn’t go to the hospital during my exacerbation. Then she left me on the day I got home. I guess she really had time to think about how horrible I was while she was at her parents on those weekends she had started to go away.

She says she hates my personality, that I’m too quick to make friends and that I flirt with everyone without realizing. She says she loves me but, can’t let herself go back to that place she was in before. I say, I realize what an asshole I was, I know the horrible things I did and let happen, I also know how important she was to me, and how I’m willing to crawl on my hands and knees for the chance to show her.

I’ve been listening to the most depressing songs I could find today. But, i realize the song she asked me to download for her and make a CD of, “Jar Of Hearts”, is about us. She may not realize it, I always read into song lyrics way too much but, it is us.


How do you prove you are willing to do everything you can for someone, and that you’ve changed when the outside forces you can’t control make you seem like you haven’t.

My son’s mother had suddenly changed her tone on texts and we were having dinner and watching a movie. All very friendly. Friendlier than we had been in a long time. Suddenly a noise. she runs to see what it is and comes back with my cell phone, tosses it in my lap and says “you better answer her she seems mad.” Goodbye followed shortly after. My awkward attempt at a goodbye was “sooo, um have you met anyone?” “No I haven’t met anyone, not really” was her reply as she hugged and kissed our son farewell. WHAT AN IDIOT I AM!!!

I can see the thought formulating in her mind. ‘He’s only after me because he’s afraid I’ve met someone and he wants me to answer him because he doesn’t want to move forward without a final chance’. I can see this because four months ago I DID DO that and she egged it on “go be with someone else” But, when it happened she became so mad, our peaceful separation and midnight rendezvous became few and far between and more angry. I had betrayed her…I guess I was supposed to have stayed happy with just sex.

Today, I thought we had taken a step towards being friends. Spending time together was good until an unwarranted, unwanted text message ruined the moment. Though looking back on it, it wasn’t particularly a perfect moment. I guess nothing ever really was.

I missed my Copaxone injection today. All I wanted to do was sleep once our night together ended and it seemed like my son was on his way as well. So we slept. He’s still peacefully asleep while his daddy stays up, since two a.m., morning the emotional lose of his mother.

Let’s touch on some basics:

BE WELL: When you are healthy, even when you are fighting a chronic illness embrace it. Grab those moments with both hands.

LIVE WELL: Live up to your abilities and beyond if you can. You never know when they’ll no longer be there.

NO REGRETS: Regret will kill you as sure as disease. If you have a doubt about the morality of what you are doing. If you’d be ashamed if your child DID what you are doing or about to do. Don’t.

BE WELL! LIVE WELL!! NO REGRETS!!

Funny how I sometimes have a hard time remembering yesterday. But, I can remember the day and way I met someone, well, what seems like an eternity ago. I remember meeting my son’s mother (insert HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER omg here). I remember how we drove around in her car, with me trying to hold her hand and kiss her at every red light. I remember when she got a call from her little sister and she asked me if I cared if we went to pick her up at her boyfriend’s? I remember waiting in the car with my AFI hood over my head as she described how her sister’s boyfriend had hit her sister. And keeping that hood on the entire time while we drove her home and she went in to her parents’ house.

I remember all of this, painfully, wishing I had known then what I know now. So I could have approached the start of things differently, and maybe the whole thing would have been different.

But the past, as they say, is a memory. We aren’t together anymore. Haven’t been since this blog was started. She couldn’t forgive my past sins and when she felt that resentment…she couldn’t resist the push apart. And I don’t blame her. I ache over it. I resent the moment of it as I was returning home from an MS-forced hospital stay. But, I truly don’t blame her for any of it. Not all sins can be forgiven or reconciled.

“When routine bites hard. And ambitions are low. And resentment rides hard. But, emotions won’t grow. And we’re changing our ways. Taking different roads. Love, love will tear us apart again.”

Day 284 – Back of the left arm

Today was a good day. Well a good day other than the forced realization that I had been such an asshole during the last 7 years, that I had quite a few people, including myself, very disappointed in me. And letting me know about it. Let me tell you, once life has dealt you a disappointing hand…you really don’t want to be part of dealing disappointments to others. Especially if you cared about them at all. Or you can be a vile bastard and think; “Fuck everyone else. God is fucking me so, fuck them!” And those are the same people you see in their last days, sitting in a nursing home, dying alone, where even the people taking care of them don’t care if they die because they’ve held on to the bastard they let themselves become the day they got the raw deal.

I opt for the latter. I hope that people can see that and I hope they can see the sincerity in my regret.

OK enough of that. Thank you Debbie for donating to the MS WALK. YAY!!! The donation goal is quickly being reached as we get to the final day. Of course, I can deliver my donations at any point to the North Jersey Chapter of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society, in Paramus NJ. It just won’t go towards my 2011 Walk MS goal. But it all goes to help MS survivors and funding research. I’m happy either way. And I feel like I’m paying off some karmic debt since that’s the only debt I have enough money to pay off.

Stay Well, Be well, Live Life With No Regrets!!!

This can mean what you want, to whom you want. I just find it necessary to my peace of mind to make it visible to the world. If it’s never read at least I’ll know that I made it plain for all to see.

Redemption by Harry Mora
There was never anything for me to see
Only words I thought were fantasy
But, over the years I’ve come to realize
All words have a reality

As I write and draw from life’s intricacy
I’ve come to feel what I could never see
I cursed the divine for struggle through this life
And wallowed in my misery
But, I was assisted through all that strife
Somehow turned pain to creativity

My dreams of death, unfulfilled
I cut for blood and death
My excoriating hands were stilled
and I continue to draw breath

I know in me was not the strength
These thoughts still bring me pain
Somehow my hands found restraint
Words and tears, not blood became the rain

The pain I’ve caused
The innocence lost
Both in me and around
Seem an insult to the life I’ve found

I turned, a stain on my soul
Became what I hated and grew so cold
Let chemicals and pain be my fuel
Used others’ emotions as a tool

Abused spirits as mine had been done
Viewed every person as a battle to be won
Uncaring, unfeeling I lived my days
Diving through lives as the villain, I played

Forgive and forget the person you knew
Try to accept that THIS person is true
With open heart lead me to unreachable heights
With love restore my sight

if you liked this you can read more on My Writers’ Cafe page

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